I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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