it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
