Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
