I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
