She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize