I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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