I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
The adults are the big ones right?
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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