Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
