Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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