And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
