My cat gives me a boner
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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