Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
