I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
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