I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Randomize
