You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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