My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Everyone says I win the strip club
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize