Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
Ketchup is God's man juice
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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