plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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