I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
