people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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