I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
50% drunk capacity currently
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
