my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
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