my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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