Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
