I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I wish they made helmets for livers.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
