You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
