Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
