Moan for me like Helen Keller
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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