I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
My breasts were aching with rage.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize