shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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