my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
