well you can't waste a boner
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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