Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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