so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Randomize