Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
