38 yer olds are good kisserssss
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
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