I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
