wanna go halves on a baby?
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
It was confusing and full of hummus
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
