I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Randomize
