wrigley field is MILF paradise
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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