just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I'm like, not good at living.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
