gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize