my phone needs a breathalizer
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
