how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
