So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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