I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize