I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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