He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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