I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
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