dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
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