do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
