Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
