We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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