I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
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