Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
smell my finger.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
