There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
