he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize