i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
I need moral support for this bender
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Randomize
